I have arrived

I head into the new year with a changed identity. Sometime during the last few weeks I have arrived at that place where I look forward to lifting weights and making my lungs ache and my heart race.

I have become "a person who works out". You know, when you are getting to know somebody new and you describe your job, and your hobbies and your interests and your beliefs...this is part of my list:

- I am a Christian.
- I'm a widow.
- My politics are mostly conservative.
- I work as a project manager.
- I like to sing, and bowl and bake cookies.
- I work out.

Who would have thought this would ever happen? Actually, I'm not completely surprised. Just really, really proud of myself! Do I have a long way to go, fitness-wise? You bet. But look how far I've come!

I leave you with good holiday wishes, spelled out in a cookie:


This was on top of a basket of cookies that I gave my trainer for Christmas. He ate this cookie in front of me while I worked out. Dude, that was cruel!

One tough broad

Do you know why the battles in my mind are the toughest to win? Because I'm fighting myself, and I am ONE TOUGH BROAD. Just ask my trainer. Don't worry...he didn't call me that. He did try to give me a nickname once, with less than satisfactory results (we settled on Judie...very original).

But if you did ask him, I think he would say he is impressed with me (most days, that is). At least he was yesterday, when on a whim he decided to start our session with a basketball drill. Now you have to realize that I am within spitting distance of 50, and the last time I held a basketball my trainer probably couldn't even hold his binkie (which means pacifier in my family's language...what did you think I meant?).

I did pretty well...once I almost knocked his glasses off passing the ball. He taught me how to shoot baskets (B.E.E.F...Balance, Eyes, Elbow, Follow-Through). It only took a few minutes for me to get ten baskets. Then I did a victory lap dribbling around the gym. Fifteen minutes of fun with a heart rate in the 160's. Sweeeeeet! Look out Senior WNBA...here I come!

Then we did endurance sets...50 reps. I know he's impressed when he smiles when I'm done with a routine. Either that, or he's just thought of something funny. I choose to believe he's impressed. And that young man smiled a lot yesterday.

You know why you never quit? Because when things are dark and seem hopeless and you think you are wasting your time, all of the sudden things change. You break through some invisible barrier, and what you once thought of as an unpleasant chore (and some days torture) becomes a hell of a lot of fun. Burning 2058 calories in 90 minutes is a nice little reward too!

I know there will be days when working out is a chore again, when it's the last thing I want to do. But I want to remember yesterday and know that it's possible for me - of all people - to become fit and healthy and have fun being physical.

The battle rages on

I'm still here. It's been a rough couple of months. Some weeks I get to the gym five or six times, some weeks only one or two. The scale goes up and down. I eat too much and work too much and sleep too little.

But the battle is not with the scale, or the food, or the clock. It is with myself, in my mind, between the person I think I am and the person I want to be. The battles of the mind are the toughest to win.

I will not quit.