New stats

These are my first stats since October. What happened is that I was at an emotional and physical low point when it was time to measure in November, so my trainer suggested I skip it that month. Which was good. I think he sensed that I was near a breaking point.

Then in December we did measure, but I had gained. I was upset and I didn't write down the numbers, and I cried in the car on the way home. Not writing them down was a mistake (not that I can't get them from him now). Not facing something does not make it go away. That's an old coping trick from childhood that has no place in an adult's life...unless you are Scarlett O'Hara (look it up).

So no more skipping the measurments.

And as I have written, my low point was followed by a rally and I am on fire right now! Check out that waist measurement - 6 inches lost! There's a number anyone can love!

The sizes have question marks because I haven't bought any new clothes in a while. That will change soon.

Look what I found!

This morning I needed a three-ring binder for a project, and I'm working from home, so I pull one out of the bookshelf and lo and behold, it's the 2007 version of my "new diet" book which I started exactly one year ago today!

Here is my "before" picture from that book. I was 315 pounds:


This really made me feel good...because I weighed 285 on Monday night which means I am down 30 pounds in the last year. Wow! And that got me to thinking...I know my top weight ever was 330. So that means at this point I am 45 pounds lower than my all-time high. That is awesome!

I'm not exactly sure if this is me at my all-time high, but it would be close (it's from October 2001):


I know...the dark hair. Not my favorite look.

I get new official stats from the gym on Saturday.

Beliefs and feelings

Yesterday I spent the holiday working on my plan for overcoming my food issue. Now that I'm exercising regularly, it's time to face my food problem head-on.

One of the many books I'm reading about emotional eating is called "If I Am So Smart, Why Can't I Lose Weight?" by Brooke Castillo. The book's primary focus is to change the way we react to the feelings that cause us emotional eaters to overeat. In order to change your reaction, you have to understand and change your feelings. In order to do so, however, you have to explore the reasons why you have those feelings.

The author describes how to figure out the beliefs that are the source of our feelings. She says beliefs cause feelings, which cause actions, which cause results. If you change the belief, you ultimately change the result. This makes sense to me.

At work we call this a "root cause analysis". When we have a production or computer problem, the true cause of it is usually not obvious, or the problem would not have happened. We usually have to go through several rounds of questions to find the cause. If the cause of the problem was a badly-worded instruction in a manual, the problem will keep happening until we fix the wording in the manual.

So each time I feel the urge to eat when I'm not physically hungry, my first step is to stop and identify the feeling I'm having, then figure out where that feeling comes from. At the root will be a belief for me to explore and challenge and change.

I used to think that I was incapable of changing my feelings, that they were just there and I could only keep trying to change how I reacted to them. To think that I have the ability to actually change the cause of those feelings is empowering.

I have arrived

I head into the new year with a changed identity. Sometime during the last few weeks I have arrived at that place where I look forward to lifting weights and making my lungs ache and my heart race.

I have become "a person who works out". You know, when you are getting to know somebody new and you describe your job, and your hobbies and your interests and your beliefs...this is part of my list:

- I am a Christian.
- I'm a widow.
- My politics are mostly conservative.
- I work as a project manager.
- I like to sing, and bowl and bake cookies.
- I work out.

Who would have thought this would ever happen? Actually, I'm not completely surprised. Just really, really proud of myself! Do I have a long way to go, fitness-wise? You bet. But look how far I've come!

I leave you with good holiday wishes, spelled out in a cookie:


This was on top of a basket of cookies that I gave my trainer for Christmas. He ate this cookie in front of me while I worked out. Dude, that was cruel!

One tough broad

Do you know why the battles in my mind are the toughest to win? Because I'm fighting myself, and I am ONE TOUGH BROAD. Just ask my trainer. Don't worry...he didn't call me that. He did try to give me a nickname once, with less than satisfactory results (we settled on Judie...very original).

But if you did ask him, I think he would say he is impressed with me (most days, that is). At least he was yesterday, when on a whim he decided to start our session with a basketball drill. Now you have to realize that I am within spitting distance of 50, and the last time I held a basketball my trainer probably couldn't even hold his binkie (which means pacifier in my family's language...what did you think I meant?).

I did pretty well...once I almost knocked his glasses off passing the ball. He taught me how to shoot baskets (B.E.E.F...Balance, Eyes, Elbow, Follow-Through). It only took a few minutes for me to get ten baskets. Then I did a victory lap dribbling around the gym. Fifteen minutes of fun with a heart rate in the 160's. Sweeeeeet! Look out Senior WNBA...here I come!

Then we did endurance sets...50 reps. I know he's impressed when he smiles when I'm done with a routine. Either that, or he's just thought of something funny. I choose to believe he's impressed. And that young man smiled a lot yesterday.

You know why you never quit? Because when things are dark and seem hopeless and you think you are wasting your time, all of the sudden things change. You break through some invisible barrier, and what you once thought of as an unpleasant chore (and some days torture) becomes a hell of a lot of fun. Burning 2058 calories in 90 minutes is a nice little reward too!

I know there will be days when working out is a chore again, when it's the last thing I want to do. But I want to remember yesterday and know that it's possible for me - of all people - to become fit and healthy and have fun being physical.

The battle rages on

I'm still here. It's been a rough couple of months. Some weeks I get to the gym five or six times, some weeks only one or two. The scale goes up and down. I eat too much and work too much and sleep too little.

But the battle is not with the scale, or the food, or the clock. It is with myself, in my mind, between the person I think I am and the person I want to be. The battles of the mind are the toughest to win.

I will not quit.

Official Stats

I actually do "fit" into size 24 slacks, but they're too snug for me to wear in public so it doesn't quite count.